David The Intern (Part Five: Hide and Seek)

Babe came over to my apartment last weekend, for the first and last time ever.

Just to catch you up, part of my job as Babe Walker’s “assistant”/”intern”/”fat chamber boy” is to be at the beckoned call of a proud “Psycho Queen” 24 hours a day. Although I’m technically granted 2 weeks of vacation time each year, Babe always finds a way to track me down when an “emergency” arises. Last year I was on vacation in Rome when Babe dialed my hotel room in the middle of the night asking that I please contact the Vatican about “arranging a private audience for her with that new, chic, gay Pope.” Then this Winter I was with my parents in Bermuda when 25 Tiramisus were anonymously delivered to my hotel room with a note that read, “Dear Fat Ass: Wishing you and your thighs a very Merry Christmas.”

So I can’t say I was surprised when my phone died Saturday night and I woke up on Sunday morning to Babe banging on the front door of my apartment, screaming at me to get up and help her finish a few last minute details for her book launch party.  That being said, I was surprised with her reaction when I finally opened the door.

Apparently Babe had never actually been inside my apartment before because after walking into the living room her eyes widened and she started hyperventilating. When I asked if everything was all right she simply shook her head, pointed to an empty ketchup bottle sitting open on my kitchen counter, let out a blood-curdling scream, and stumbled backwards out the door, into the hall, and down the stairs. When I texted her to see if she was okay, she responded with a single skull Emoji. 

When I came in Monday morning Babe asked me to wash my hands five times in front of her, make a kale and collard smoothie, leave it in her office and then “quietly” go about with my typical daily tasks. Although she never mentioned the incident directly I think we both learned a valuable lesson that day about the importance of keeping a healthy distance between employer and employee.

LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Babe, Book, Travel | 1 Comment

Hi. Actually, bye. #whitegirlproblems

Recipe Babe: Lasagna Smell

 

Sometimes you get a craving for something that you just shouldn’t eat. For me it happens when I’m sad, lonely, depressed, about to get my period, angry, tired, and happy. But I have a great little trick I like to do in these cases. I make something yummy, smell the shit out of it and then throw it away, immediately.

Today I was lonely so I made some of my fave “smelling lasagna” and made the craving disappear. ENJOY!

 

INGREDIENTS:

1 pound sweet Italian sausage
3/4 pound lean ground beef
1/2 cup minced onion
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 (28 ounce) can crushed tomatoes
2 (6 ounce) cans tomato paste
2 (6.5 ounce) cans canned tomato sauce
1/2 cup water
2 tablespoons white sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil leaves
1/2 teaspoon fennel seeds
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1 tablespoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
4 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
12 lasagna noodles
16 ounces ricotta cheese
1 egg
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 pound mozzarella cheese, sliced
3/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

DIRECTIONS:

1. In a Dutch oven, cook sausage, ground beef, onion, and garlic over medium heat until well browned. Stir in crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, tomato sauce, and water. Season with sugar, basil, fennel seeds, Italian seasoning, 1 tablespoon salt, pepper, and 2 tablespoons parsley. Simmer, covered, for about 1 1/2 hours, stirring occasionally.
2. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Cook lasagna noodles in boiling water for 8 to 10 minutes. Drain noodles, and rinse with cold water. In a mixing bowl, combine ricotta cheese with egg, remaining parsley, and 1/2 teaspoon salt.
3. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
4. To assemble, spread 1 1/2 cups of meat sauce in the bottom of a 9×13 inch baking dish. Arrange 6 noodles lengthwise over meat sauce. Spread with one half of the ricotta cheese mixture. Top with a third of mozzarella cheese slices. Spoon 1 1/2 cups meat sauce over mozzarella, and sprinkle with 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese. Repeat layers, and top with remaining mozzarella and Parmesan cheese. Cover with foil: to prevent sticking, either spray foil with cooking spray, or make sure the foil does not touch the cheese.
5. Bake in preheated oven for 25 minutes. Remove foil, and bake an additional 25 minutes. Cool for 15 minutes before TAKING ONE HUGE LAST SMELL AND THEN THROWING THAT CALORIE FEST AWAY. 
LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
Posted in Babe, Boobs, Food, I Am Health | 1 Comment

You really need to stop telling people we're best friends. #whitegirlproblems